You’d think it would be easy for a Capricorn like me who lives in her planner and her phone calendar to be focused and willing to get things done. I gotta tell you that lately it's been a chore. Everything has felt like a chore. It's to the point where I don't feel like doing it because it's felt like a chore. Nothing feels fun. Nothing feels exciting. There's no focus on the things I should be focused on.

I don’t feel good. Back in 2020, my health was on the line and I made the changes needed to get better. I got better. For the next couple of years, things were fine. My weight ebbed & flowed as it does in life. Last year I noticed I was gaining my weight back faster than I was used to.

Not gonna lie. Not looking forward to this weekend. I'm not looking forward to seeing the long lines to buy Mom's flowers, all the chocolates being sold at CVS, all the cute cards that are being sold, or even handwritten. None of it is anything I want to deal with. I wanted to run but realized I couldn't. So here I am distracting myself knowing full well I'll end up feeling it through.

I've been in my masculine energy for so long I think I almost forgot what it was to be soft. I've been hiding, defensive, angry & leading too much. I plan too much. I want too much control. It's always my way.

In this new chapter i’m looking to music a lot to help heal. i’m well aware its a bandaid and not the end all be all. still i’m so eager to dive into it and feel through whatever it is i’m feeling. I could use the healing.

Today I decided that I wanted to do something special for Mom’s heavenly birthday. On the coldest and Windiest day of the week, Armand and I took a bit of Mom from her urn And decided to let her dance on her birthday in the ocean. It was so windy and it was so cold but worth every moment.

The year of firsts continues today as family & friends celebrate my mom’s first heavenly birthday. She would have been 69 years young today. I imagine Armand & I would have given her a gift card so she could buy what she wanted. She loved it when we did that. Grandpa would wanna take her out to eat. She would get texts and calls all day long from so many who loved her.

So here's the truth.

My mother’s birthday is on Saturday.

It'll be the first one since her passing. In a year of 1sts, this one day is going to hit me harder than anything in my life.

I welcomed the opportunity to honor my mom in my way. While it may not be a way she would love. She would understand and accept. That was always her way of thinking as I got older and tattoos would show up on my body. She called me a walking piece of art a lot. She always joked it would be easy to identify me if needed. She didn't judge. She always poured love into me.

Having anxieties means stress for me is an almost everyday occurrence in some way. Never at these levels. My mom was a buffer a lot of times. She would shield me from stressors in the form of people & things. I don't have that protection now and stressors are more apparent. It's a new world for me to adjust to and I'm not doing so well.

I had a really good conversation at dinner yesterday that got me thinking about what it really means to slowly form destructive patterns, how to recognize them, and more importantly how to stop them before they get out of control. I got to thinking about this month. It'll be a month now since my world changed.

This is me. Giving family and friends all the permission to be happy and to smile again. Keep talking about all the memories and keep my mom in your heart. I promise you I'll be ok. I'm doing really well right now. No need to call with sadness in your heart. No need to write with sadness. No feeling sorry for me.

I woke up this Monday morning with a weight lifted off my shoulders and a sense of staying present. For so much of my life, I stuck my nose in a planner and moved like a robot. Was it a routine? Or was I coping? Hiding from my problems by burying myself in “work” & people. I've never been more willing to just stay in the now. Be spontaneous as some would tell me. Living a little.

Guess I should talk about where I've been right? Well let's start with the fact that I really wasn't taking care of myself this past month and I paid for it with a cold (that thankfully wasn't COVID) but then turned into a million other things which made recovery seem like it was in a distant future.

Today I celebrate 37 times around the sun. Another full rotation filled with so much love, life, family & being. This next rotation will be about patience, understanding, learning & acceptance of things I cannot change.

The calm before… more calm. Usually, around this time, I'm out of the country getting ready to celebrate my birthday (it's tomorrow) with some flair. This year we decided to stay home and not even more so I'm asking for a pretty calm day. A cozy day. Maybe some dinner. But if I didn't do anything tomorrow I'd be just fine.

The most challenging part of this whole experience is grasping every day without someone you love so deeply. A simple walk for coffee easily becomes a little more important when you remember some people didn't get to do that today. You start to cherish even the small things. The mundane means more.